So this is a post I’ve been putting off and dreading to write. My nephew no longer lives here with me, and is back with his mother. Without getting into too much depth and detail, he simply wasn’t doing what he needed to do. He was breaking rules, sneaking out, and worse.
When we became aware of the extent of his secret life, we had him stay at his mother’s. It was only going to be for a few weeks, just to let things die down and to let him know he can’t pull those kinds of things without consequences. So we went on our vacation, and when we came back, we met with my nephew’s social worker. We filled him in on everything Josh has been up to since he arrived here in January, and it’s quite a lengthy list. Twenty-five transgressions at this count, with more coming to light as time passes, I’m sure. We only got through a fraction of the list before the social worker recommended that he not come back to the neighborhood (he had violated enough of his treatment plan and possibly harmed others, not to mention all of our important rules), and that he be placed back with his mother.
Now, this was not an easy thing for me to hear. In my head, I was preparing for his return and the talk we would have about trust and rules, etc. I knew it was a possibility he may not come back based on our visit with the social worker, but what I really thought would happen is that we would get pointers on how to handle him going forward. The social worker’s recommendation meant a lot to us, and of course, he made perfect sense.
Here’s what the hardest part is for me: The Josh that was presented to me covered up a host of sins the private Josh carried out. The wish and the reality are completely different. I felt incredibly betrayed to know how deep his lies went, and to what extent his sickness still has a hold on him. Of course he shouldn’t come back to the neighborhood. He had plenty of opportunities to made his second chance work, but he didn’t take it seriously. He didn’t take me or Dan or himself seriously. For seven months, I made that kid my focus. He was my world, and I thought we were doing a good job of giving him what he hadn’t had before, and certainly what I didn’t have growing up — involved, caring, inquisitive, support parental figures. I thought he wanted that, needed that. Apparently, it isn’t. My whole idea of what we had going on this house was untrue, was fantasy. He fed me what I wanted to see and hear, and yet, he snuck out at night, had girls over to the house when we weren’t here, lied about killing someone, lied about seeing the little skank Stephanee, used most of Dan’s condom stash (the cast of girls he mentioned are between 13-15), told some neighborhood girls what he went to juvie for, has parents here up in arms and threatening to call the police if he ever shows up again… not to mention all the problems he had at school… not to mention the fact he stole Aunt Michele’s wedding ring… not to mention God knows what else.
What this also made me realize is that our family sickness goes deep. My parents are both sick, and they passed their sickness along. Josh now is showing the most sickness of us all — he’s got sexual issues (like my dad) and he’s a klepto (like my mom). He also has substance issues (like my sister, but she’s working through those). All of the things that are wrong in our family have manifested in Josh. We can trace this back to my grandparents on both sides, but I really do place a lot of this at the feet of my mom and dad, who could have stopped the cycle but only repeated it and took it to new depths of messy.
Naturally, my parents are upset about the change. Amy’s been incredibly cool about the whole thing and understands because she’s been there with Josh before. She knows better than anyone how he lies and manipulates, how you can’t trust or believe what he says, how you come to believe the worst about him because that’s what he shows after awhile. I was played. Dan was played.
Dad hung up on me when I tried to tell him what happened. He wouldn’t stop running his mouth and wouldn’t lower his voice; he didn’t give me a chance to explain. So I told him that I wasn’t going to engage in a conversation with him until he lowered his voice and let me explain. He hung up on me. I left him a voicemail telling him I wanted to explain what happened and how the decision was made, but he needed to not yell and not interrupt, and that he should also spread that message to anyone else who might want to come after me about this. Josh did it to Josh, and nobody else. I haven’t heard from him or Mom, which is fine, but they both badmouth me to others.
What’s sad is a set of parents who make something that isn’t about them all about them. It is about them because they continued the cycle of dysfunction, but neither of them understand, or even bothered to ask and listen. They instantly attacked. They expected me to tell them everything that went wrong since January, and they expected a family meeting. The people this immediately impacts are me, Dan, Josh, Amy, and Kirk, and that’s how it was handled.
It’s disappointing to have parents who attack and shred their children. They attack me, Brian, and Amy in turn all the time, especially when we’ve put our feet down about behaviors we expect. We shouldn’t have to tell adult 60-ish parents that attacking and yelling and judging without knowing all the facts first is not acceptable. If they think they could have done better, then by God, they should have stepped up and taken him themselves. I have a right and obligation to my mental health to establish clear boundaries, and I refuse to be talked to like that anymore. Ever. It’s their choice if they refuse to step back and realize they were wrong to attack me, and the fact they haven’t contacted me since last week tells me they heard what I said, but the fact they bad mouth me tells me they don’t get it. They’re emotionally immature. They’re trainwrecks.
And they’ve managed to throw me for a tailspin all over again. This whole experience has shown me that my family is sick. Raising Josh and dealing with the things that happened in our family has shown me I’ve been right to stay away, right to keep a distance, right to not get too involved. I will not make that mistake again. There is no changing them, so I must keep changing me. I will NOT be like them. I was not like them. I gave Josh the complete opposite of that. He even saw me struggle with baggage from Larry and Linda and my grandparents; he heard my demons. And he sat there, took it all in, and watched me twist. He’s just as bad as them in my eyes now.
If I could be an orphan, I would gladly do so. I want no mother and no father. I want them gone from my life. They continue to harm, and I am tired of it. I got away, then I came back to it through Josh. Now I can be free of it. Josh’s trick to get himself out of here and back home in Chesaning worked, but it also worked to shake me free. I owe my parents nothing. They have not matured at all since they divorced. Dad is just as bad as his biological mother, and Mom is just as bad as Grandpa was in the bad old days.
I love them. I just can’t be around them. They bring me down. Each time I’ve seen them in the past year, it’s been torture. I’ve hated it. They’re each miserable in their lives.
And I can’t stand it anymore.
Namaste… MS
