Mike’s Musings

The nephew came to live with me last week.  In one week, I lost two grandmothers (one we cared about, the other didn’t care about us) and in another week I essentially became a single parent.  Having someone living here who is totally dependent upon me (other than my dog) is a huge adjustment, and I fear I’m not handling it as well as I’d like.  On the outside, I’m fine around him, but on the inside, I’m feeling completely lost and unsure.  I am sure that what I’m feeling is totally normal and things will get easier as time passes.  I’ve snipped at him a few times, but nothing bad or out of the ordinary between an adult and a teenager, but still, I feel badly about it.  It’s just hard to share my space after being alone in it for so long.

I don’t feel like I’m juggling work and my new responsibilities well.  I feel like everything’s coming up short.  I feel like it’s going to get worse before it gets better, and I feel like I might crack a bit under the pressure.  As long as I don’t fall apart, I’ll be OK. 

Namaste… MS

So, one thing I’ve noticed is that the last few weeks fall under the heading of Major Life Changes.  From previous posts, it’s clear my grandmother died (well, two died, but only one really had an impact on me — no, that’s not snarkiness, that’s truthfulness), but what hasn’t been clear is that my teenaged nephew is coming to live with me starting on Thursday.  I am freaking out.  I mean, really freaking out. 

Now, I know some nervousness and anxiety are natural.  We are talking a huge lifestyle change for me, and for him.  I’ve been living alone, with just Phineas here, for nearly a year, and now I will have another person living here who I will responsible for.  My quiet time is precious to me.  My alone time is precious to me.  I know quiet alone time will be precious to him, too, so I just need to learn to stay on top of what he’s doing without being tangled up in his hair.

I have yet to write about the day of Grandma’s funeral, last Thursday.  I wrote every day up until the funeral, but stopped after that.  I’m not ready to process that day just yet.  Someday, I know I will be, but not at the moment.  It ought to be sooner rather than later, though, since I don’t want to forget some of the details.  I’m too close to it.  It’s still too real to be made sense of clearly.

Namaste… MS

Grandma Bohil passed away at 7:22 this morning.  Just as I was waking up for the day.  Her misery is finally over. 

She’s free of her disease and her crippled shell.

She’s perfect again.

I’m happy for her.  I’m sad for us.  For Mom and Grandpa particularly.

Namaste… MS

Some things that are just too much to deal with at one time:

1) A grandmother dying in a nursing home from Parkinson’s disease.  No feeding tubes or IVs; just a pain patch and an oxygen tube misted with water.  Labored breathing from pneumonia.  A fever.  A shell who used to the woman who is my grandmother.

2) Being sick myself.  Run down.  Pale.  Coughing.  Chest hurting if I breathe too deeply.  Exhausted.

3) The whole family meeting for what felt like a pre-funeral at the nursing home yesterday.  It felt necessary and right to do that; it felt like a tractor beam drew us all there.  We knew it would likely be the last time we saw her alive again.  It felt final.  And because it felt final, it was exhausting.  The necessary work always is.

4) Having the grandmother who abandoned Dad (and us) be in a room in the same nursing home, only on the other side of the complex, and not knowing about it until today when we find out she died last night.  Laureen.  (I think that’s how to spell her first name.)  Grandma Taylor.  Whatever she’s called, she was not a grandmother to me, not in any real way.  Ironic that the grandmother we won’t miss because she was never there dies at the same nursing home as the grandmother we don’t want to say goodbye to has come to die.

5) Knowing that nothing is really random.  Knowing that things like were mentioned above are not coincidence.  Knowing there is a reason for nearly everything.  Knowing it’s up to us to figure that reason out, to learn from it, to not repeat the errors.

6) Knowing there are so many errors to learn from, we will never be done.

Namaste… MS

So I’ve come to firmly believe that cell phones in the hands of white trash ought to be outlawed.  Case in point:  My shopping experience at Target was completely ruined yesterday by a piece of white trash talking at the top of his lungs on his cell phone about some poor schmuck’s drug addiction.  Now, I think most people are completely thoughtless and rude when they use their cell phones in public; my ire isn’t usually only directed at white trash.  However, this guy was so completely obviously white trash and the subject he was talking about was one white trash would engage in, it’s hard not to point out the obvious.  (I grew up surrounded by it, so I know when I see it or hear it.)

Do I really need to know about some kid’s drug addiction and the problems it’s caused people?  The stealing to afford the drugs?  The lying?  The jail time?  The physical abuse the kid committed when on the drugs?  No.  I don’t.  And the chap talking on his phone really should have realized where he was and not had that conversation, or at least not had it so loudly where customers half the store away could hear.  I mean, where is this guy’s sense of decorum and tact?  Granted, he was upset by the kid’s problems, and I have sympathy for that, but what I don’t have sympathy is forcing other people to hear such personal information broadcast in the middle of a store because the person on the cell phone is a rude piece of white trash. 

Why, why, why do people feel they need to talk at the top of their lungs on their cell phones in public!?  Are we all just stupid when that thing gets put up against our ears?!  Cell phone providers really should require mandatory cell phone etiquette training before people can purchase the phones. 

Seriously.

Namaste…  MS

So I’m coming down with a cold.  It’s weather related.  Actually, it’s not a cold so much as it is sinus problems because of the change in temperatures from cold to warm and back to cold.  Not good timing for the congestion and snuffles and drips and aches, though.  Made today really difficult and I feel very drained.

Here’s my idea of a great night, once I’m done writing here:  Take out my contacts, make my lunch for tomorrow, sit on the couch with Finny, get out my knitting, and relax.  No people, no computers, no work to do.  Just me, the pooch, and the loops.

That being said, it’s time to commence with a great night.

Namaste…  MS

I promise not to prattle on too much about the inner workings of my work days, but since everything is brand new all over again because of the new semester, it’s on my mind and I need to process it a bit.  Remember I did say both magical and mundane, and this probably falls under the mundane.

That online class was in no good shape this morning, and now, after immense help from JA and Karen, I’m all set and ready to begin it.  I even opened it a day early, so that’s good — feels like I accomplished something concrete.  Then I wrote a syllabus quiz, and now I’m updating you all on what’s been happening. 

I still have to write down the lesson plan for tomorrow’s classes, but what I want to do is in my head, so it’s no biggie.  I can write them in the morning. 

This damn insomnia is driving me crazy.  It started over my holiday break and I thought it was a short-term thing.  Now it’s turned into a pattern and I don’t like it.  Last night, I was in and out of sleep, my mind wide awake and buzzing.  Maybe it was the drip in the basement from the storms yesterday worrying me.  Maybe it was Grandma Bohil being in the nursing home with only a short time to live.  Maybe it’s the thought of Josh coming to live with me soon.  Maybe it’s the stress of not feeling prepared for the new term.  Maybe it’s all of the above and I just need to tell my mind to stop.

Stop, mind.  Just stop.

Namaste… MS

So today was the first day of the winter semester, and I didn’t anticipate feeling nervous before my first class.  I got hit with stage fright, which was very odd, indeed.  But that’s good, too, because it means I felt invested in the outcome.  The first day is so important, and I hate to think of getting off on the wrong foot.  I had three students from a previous class in there, so that did help.  My biggest problem was adjusting to a shorter time span for the class — an hour and a half versus two and a half hours last term.  I’ll have to learn to condense.

The second class went just fine.  That one has quite a few former students, and felt much more comfortable to me.  I just hope I don’t let them down.

I used to not like having former students in my classes, but now I’ve changed my tune.  It’s as good for me as it is for them, I think, since we already know each other and we already have a baseline, and I’ve seen it make classes much stronger as a whole.  I have a feeling that will happen this term, as well.

Dan’s first day went really well, too, for what he told me.  I’m so proud of him, and I know he’ll go gangbusters once he adjusts.  He’s pursuing this path for very pure and good reasons, with good intentions, and because of that, he will be rewarded.

For some reason, this post feels disjointed and not very interesting.  My brain feels muddy and distracted, so I think that’s the culprit.  Usually, writing helps give me some clarity, but not today.  But there’s always next time!

Namate… MS

Tomorrow begins a new semester, full of new students, new ideas, and new learning ahead.  I’m not too concerned about the first days of a new semester anymore; the first week tends to be very much the same each time, and that’s not a bad thing.  The more at-ease with that flow I am, the more at-ease the students will be, and that’s a good thing.  I also don’t mind scaring them a bit, either, and some of that will be built in.  The more I go along, the more confident I am about what I do and why I do it, and I don’t mind leaving some room for surprises; not every moment has to be rehearsed.  Also, each class has students I’ve taught in previous terms, so I won’t be walking into a room full of totally new faces, and that’s always nice.

Daniel starts classes at the university tomorrow, and he’s nervous about it.  He’s worried that he won’t be as adept socially as the younger students, that he’ll be a square peg in a round hole.  No amount of telling him he’s going to do great academically and socially, no amount of believing in him, no amount of rah-rah will make him feel any less nervous or assured tomorrow; he just has to sit in the classes and find out for himself what it’s going to be like.  Right now, it’s a big question mark for him, just like it was for me when I first went to a university from a community college.  He’ll be brilliant, and he’ll run rings around the “kids”.  Heck, I even told him that from a teacher’s point of view, he’s exactly the kind of student we love to have in a classroom.  I believe in him so much, and I know he’s going to do very well, indeed.  He’s incredible.

Back to school again…yay!

Namaste…  MS

As is usually the case, what seems like the source of a problem is merely a symptom of a deeper ill.  The thermostat was not the problem, in the end, but there is a fancy new programmable thermostat on the wall with a digital read out, and I will take that one over the antiquated piece of garbage that was up before.  But I digress a bit there.

The landlord and I went downstairs to look into matters further.  As he dug around in the furnace, he discovered that some gas-regulating device was stuck open, which meant that the furnace wasn’t telling the fan to stop blowing because as far the furnace knew, it was supposed to be going at full bore, and since the furnace thought that, the fan knew no better.

But not so fast!  That was not the problem — merely another symptom.  Once the landlord got to device to unstick, the same problem occurred — the furnace was still going full bore and not shutting down.  Hmm…a conundrum…so the landlord looked more and discovered that a wire leading from the thermostat to the furnace was pinched and had wires exposed and melted.  A quick cut here, some electrical tape there, and voila!  The symptom was found, the problem purged, and we were back in a normal forced-air heating zone.

Now if only I could get the money I so freely handed to Consumers Energy yesterday back…but the good news is, I can deduct the new thermostat from my rent bill next month.  Hey, it’s something!

Namaste… MS